I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
