3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
