i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
