As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
