fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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