I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
