She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
