if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
