Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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