Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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