she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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