I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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