I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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