I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
