Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
