Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
