if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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