My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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