The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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