When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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