I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
