So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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