I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
