WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
