i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i drank out of a bidet.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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