Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.