I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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