Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
