You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
