Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
is that a dick in a sweater?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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