your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
