Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
