So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
