It's like a parade of train wrecks.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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