Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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