it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
