If i come over, it means nothing
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
