Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
this is an emotional support booty call
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
