The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
