There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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