Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He has the fingertips of a God
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