I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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