Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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