Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
