I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
