he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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