So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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