I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
