I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize