I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
