What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
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Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
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Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."