I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.